okay, here goes....

i used to sell veg to emlyn hughes' brother.
my (male) old housemate was kissed on the lips by craig charles.
i recently travelled to nice on the same plane as the BBC yorkshire newsreader, peter somethingorother (but he was in first class).
one of hale and pace (the skinny one) has seen me and some equally pissed mates doing 'wonderwall' on karaoke. we pestered him.
mrs martyn & i walked past the divine comedy in liverpool last year, a few hours before a gig (i didn't recognise them).
i once had a conversation with ian brown. we talked about atomic kitten.
i once didn't play pool in local rock club rio's, because kevin tihista was sat on the table.
i have played football with three people who went on to play for my beloved barrow afc. admittedly, this was at school, but it's a claim to fame nonetheless.

There's a lawsuit right there!

Sue him! Sum him good!

Oh yeah, my old PE teacher's brother is Matthew Upson, who apparently plays football for England (or so I'm told). I had my picture taken with him when he came to present an award at the end of the year (you know, one of those 'final assembly' things), even though I didn't have the foggiest who he was at the time, I just knew he was 'famous'. My sister has been on a few school basketball trips with him and sat next to him during matches and stuff.

Because he's Ricky Gervaise, and arrogant, obnoxious twat. Besides, I was in the bar trying to get to the bog, walked within ten feet of him, and he just snapped "Do you know who I am?" at me, assuming that I cared one way or the other. And, yes, McKenzie Crook really does look like he's 14.

Also shared a train last Friday with Bernard Ingham - trying not to offer him some Cake the entire time...

I've heard of him!

I stood next to Lauren Laverne at the bar at the Hammersmith Apollo in December, although I didn't realise until this was pointed out to me.

Gervais was in the audience once when I did stand-up. Of the six people in the audience, there was him, Stewart Lee of Lee & Herring, Sean Hughes, my flatmate and some random couple. Gervais was the only one who laughed, so I've always had a soft spot for him.
He was also politely patient when a very pissed mate told him what was wrong with his XFM show after the opening night of his Animals tour a couple of years ago.

I saw Kenzie(sp?) from Blazin' Squad/Celebrity Big Brother in a club in Newcastle last night! My god he looks young as well, too young to be completely pasted in a "VIP" (ha!) area with loads of bouncers around him. At least he had to use the same shitty toilets as the rest of us though

Oh yes, i also played pool with gary from t'libertines, who for reasons unknown decided to nickname me 'jesus'

I went to school with Leon McKenzie - currently of Norwich, formerly of Crystal Palace and Peterbrough. And I feature on the DVD of The Bunker from the Sneak Preview from Sheffield - why did I have to wear that shirt?!?

Met the tall guy from the League of Gentlemen at a performance of Candide on the FUCKING SOUTH BANK tonight as I was at the bar next to him. He was 'nice'. We chatted very briefly about Gilbert and Sullivan but I didn't know anything about Gilbert and Sullivan so I laughed nervously and excused myself.

I've met: Best Urban nominees The Wurzels; the long-forgotten Scouse crooner Thomas Lang; and Rufus's dad, Loudon Wainwright III.

And I was once on the same flight as Rubens Barrichello, who races Ferraris for a living these days.

Oh yeah, I stood next to Trisha in the train station information bit on my way back to uni while I was being told that I'd have to practically hitch-hike there because there was no train. She's a lot shorter than me, ha.

In other words, I have none